so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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