Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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