Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
