I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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