im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
