I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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