2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
