rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
