I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
