If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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