Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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