If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
