I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
