Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
one might say we're banned from that church
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
