just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize