i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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