I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I take back everything I said about communal showers
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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