even my farts smell like vagina
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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