did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize