I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
