remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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