so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
