ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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