you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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