I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize