he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
