I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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