I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
