remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Shame - the story of my life.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
