then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
