your thong is hanging out like whoa
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
