Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize