its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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