Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
