her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We smell like vodka and hangover
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