I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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