I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
