I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
