he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
