I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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