Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
