I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
