do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
