WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
