dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
