Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
