I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Semen is not good for contacts.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
