he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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