omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
