Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
