im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Randomize
