Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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