You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
