Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
